The Christmas Spork
by MOLLY THE MONSTER
Summary: "I think it is some kind of medieval torture device. You know, where the gouge your eyes out or something." "I think it's a very special Muggle gift you might give someone as a sign of affection." Sirius and Remus learn the function of a spork. One-shot.


The Christmas Spork

By Molly the Monster

_Setting: December 1977  
the Marauders' seventh year_

_Prompt: spork_

The Great Hall wasn't particularly full that morning. In fact, it was rather empty. By now, it was already decorated for Christmas. Wreaths hung from the ceiling, suspended in midair. Red, green, gold, and silver tapestries lined the walls. In the front of the Hall were Christmas trees that went all the way to the ceiling, decorated with various colored ornaments and laced with strings of popcorn and tinsel.

It was cold outside and snow was gently falling, covering the grounds in a thick layer of snow. Most students planned on spending the day inside, catching up on homework and studying because it was entirely too cold to go outside. Those who usually spent their time sitting by the lake would have to find somewhere else to go as no one in their right mind would sit in the snow.

Remus Lupin and Sirius Black sat at the Gryffindor table that Saturday morning in mid December, scarfing down eggs and bacon and toast. They weren't joined by their friends this morning as James and Peter were both dead asleep when Remus and Sirius decided to go down to breakfast. They were deep in conversation, arguing over both everything and nothing.

"That is absolutely ridiculous!" Sirius told Remus.

"It's far more accurate than your theory!" Remus retorted, wolfing down the eggs that were piled on his plate.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Well, there's only one way to settle this," he said matter-of-factly. Remus watched as Sirius looked past him, down the table. "Hey Mel!" he called to the blonde girl sitting by herself not too far down the Gryffindor table. She had a Transfiguration book open in front of her and she seemed to be deep in thought. When she heard her name being called, however, she looked up to find the source of the sound. She looked at Sirius and he continued sweetly, "Be a doll and come here for a second."

A knowing smile appeared on Melanie's face. Remus knew the girl and he knew her pretty well. It was no secret that she was one of the worst in their year. In fourth year, it started with her asking for Remus' help with a Potions essay and soon it turned into the two of them meeting in the library twice a week to study together. It was mostly Remus helping and quizzing her, but he had come to enjoy helping her.

She left her book and her plate and slid down the table so that she was sitting across from both boys. "Good morning," she said a little sarcastically. "What can I do for you on this fine, fine morning?"

Remus couldn't help but chuckle. "Could you tell us something?" he asked politely, eager to prove Sirius wrong.

"I could try," she said with a shrug. She looked slightly uneasy. Perhaps she was nervous about what they were going to ask.

"Tell us. What exactly is a spork?" said Remus a little smugly as if he already knew the answer.

Melanie looked confused and she raised an eyebrow. "A what?" she asked as if she wasn't sure what Remus had just asked her.

"A spork," Sirius repeated slowly, to make sure she understood. "You know, that thing Muggles use all the time. We figured since you're always going on about Muggle things you'd be the best person to ask."

"I don't always go on about Muggle things!" said Melanie almost immediately. She looked more confused than upset though.

Remus and Sirius exchanged glances. "You do talk about Muggle things a lot," Remus said tentatively, not wanting to upset her.

"Like when?" she asked.

"Last week during Potions you talked about some Muggle film called _Roman Holiday_ for an hour straight," said Remus, still speaking tentatively.

"It's a good film..." said Melanie sheepishly. "Fine, I suppose I do talk about Muggle things a lot."

"Exactly," said Sirius nonchalantly. "Anyway, we were just debating what exactly a spork is, and _obviously _I'm right and I just need you to confirm it."

A look of curiosity crossed Melanie's face. "Okay," said Melanie a little hesitantly. "What do you think it is?" It sounded like she was a bit afraid to hear the answer. Remus couldn't blame her.

"Well, _I_ think it is some kind of medieval torture device," said Sirius excitedly. "You know, where they gouge your eyes out or something." He made a dramatic movement, pretending to gouge someone's eye out. Remus thought it was rather frightening. _Note to self: never upset Sirius too badly, he might try to gouge your eyes out._

"Oh. Okay," said Melanie, looking surprised. She turned to Remus. "And what do _you _think it is, Remus?"

Remus cleared his throat, ready to prove his friend wrong. "_I _think it's a very special Muggle gift that you might give someone as a sign of affection. I read about them once."

Melanie stifled a laugh. "Er, close," she said, chuckling lightly. "Actually, drum roll please, it's a utensil."

Sirius and Remus both looked confused. "A utensil?" Sirius asked confusedly.

"Yeah. You know, if you combine the word spoon with fork you get spork. It's like a spoon with little fork spokes on it," she said, picking up a spoon and trying to demonstrate what exactly a spork looked like to the two very confused wizards. Growing up in the Wizarding World usually meant you were very clueless about all things Muggle.

"And what would you use that for?" Sirius asked, his confusion clearly showing on his face.

"To eat..." said Melanie hesitantly, like it was obvious.

Even Remus was confused by this one. "Well, why don't you just use a spoon when you need a spoon and a fork when you need a fork?" he asked her. Well the tables certainly had turned. It was usually Melanie asking Remus a million and one questions.

"Umm," Melanie began uncertainly. "I think some restaurants use them because instead of buying two sets of utensils, they can just use one. Save money that way. Or you can eat without changing utensils."

"Well, that's just stupid," said Sirius arrogantly.

Melanie tried to explain more. "Some Muggles use them when they go camping. So they don't have to carry around two utensils," she said.

"Camping?"

"Yes. Camping."

"Muggles go camping?"

Melanie smiled. "Sure. Take a hike in the woods, sleep in sleeping bags in a tent, sit around a campfire, walk–"

"Wait, wait, wait," Sirius interrupted her. "Muggles go camping without magic? On purpose?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "No, Padfoot, they go camping without magic accidentally," he told his friend sarcastically.

"Shut up, Moony!" said Sirius in mock hurt. He turned to Melanie and offered her a smile. "Thanks Mel, you've been a big help in proving me right.'

"Proving you right!" said Remus incredulously. "You thought it was a medieval torturing device. A utensil _hardly _qualifies."

Sirius cleared his throats. "Yeah, well I bet you could gouge someone's eyes out with a spork, don't you agree Mel?"

Melanie looked from Remus to Sirius. "Er, sure," she said, and Remus could tell she was just trying to flatter him. She gave Remus a quick smile when Sirius wasn't looking and she flipped her legs over the bench, standing up.

"Ha! I'm right as always!" said Sirius, pushing Remus lightly.

"I'll see you later boys," said Melanie. She went back to her spot at the table and continued reading her book as if nothing with the boys ever happened.

Sirius grinned, taking a bite of toast. "Told you I was right."

* * *

Finally it was Christmas morning. Naturally, the first person to wake up was Sirius who woke up his fellow Marauders by violently shaking each of them awake. Peter, who always slept like a rock, had been the hardest to wake up. But after Sirius jumped on his bed for five minutes straight, Peter finally woke up.

The boys were each sitting at the foot of their bed where all of their presents were stacked. James was thrilled when his mother sent him a new Gryffindor scarf as his had gotten all dirty. Peter's mum and dad sent him so many boxes of Bertie Botts, Remus was sure he'd be on a Bertie Botts only diet for weeks. Sirius had gotten nothing special from his family, but he still seemed to have just as many gifts as the other boys.

The first present Remus opened was from his parents. It was square and heavy and he had a feeling he knew what it was. He slowly unwrapped it and discovered _Hogwarts: A History_. He'd borrowed the book a million times from the library, but it was far time he had his own copy. He smiled, flipping the book over in his hands and opening up to a random page.

"Only you could get excited over getting a book for Christmas," said James, watching Remus as he eagerly flipped through the book.

"What can I say?" Remus replied slightly embarrassed. He gently shut the book and put it to the side for the time being.

The next present Remus spotted was a small package, not longer than ten inches. It was skinny and it appeared to be a tiny box. Carefully, he turned it over and unwrapped the small package. It was a plain white box. He lifted the top off to see what was inside.

He pulled out the little card to see what the gift was. It was a small, silver spoon, though it looked a little different. Instead of being perfectly round at the top, there were little spokes like a fork might have.

A spork.

If Remus tried to keep the smile off his face, he probably wouldn't have been able to. He stared down at the utensil in the box and he was grinning from ear to ear. He picked up the card he had momentarily discarded and opened it. In the small, curly handwriting he knew to be Melanie's from all those years of studying with her, it said:

_Dear Remus,_

_I bring you the spork! Just don't give it to  
Sirius. He might try to gouge someone's  
eyes out to prove his point!_

_Merry Christmas!_

_Love, Melanie_

"What are you smiling at, Moony?" asked Sirius from across the room. "That present is tiny. It can't be anything that good." Remus had hardly been paying attention to anything other than the silver spork in the box in his hands. He didn't even realize his smile was that noticeable.

"Oh, it's nothing,"said Remus closing up the box. This would remain their little secret for now. He had to agree with Melanie on this one: Sirius might be eager to prove his point and do something a bit irrational with Remus' new utensil.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Okay, weirdo," he said going back to his own presents.

Remus lifted the lid off his present one more time, just to look at it. He smiled faintly, closing the box again. He wouldn't tell Sirius about his Christmas spork. Not today anyway.

* * *

Yay! This was done for slytherinprincess02's Christmas challenge. My prompt was spork and I started writing and then it all just sort of came. It was a lot of fun writing! I always imagined the Marauders would spend a lot of time talking about trivial things such as their supposed big feet (from another story of mine) and the function of a spork. Haha.

And finally, this story is dedicated to Ariana Ethaitrius, DangerouslyAvril, Eirinn Croi, jeweltheif500, LizzieBeth91, PrincessPearl, Rani Jashalithie, selenehekate, slytherinprincess02, SpiritxXxWildfire, WIZARDOLOGY and xWellJustMex for reviewing my last one-shot_ The Truth About Always_. Thanks guys!


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